Social Anxiety

For the past couple of months, a friend and myself have been talking about this. She stated that I probably had Social Anxiety. I didn't believe it..why would I have such a thing? Recently while being at school, I've had a hard time socializing with people, and making friends. I'm too nervous as to what people are saying about me...if they even are talking about me. I feel like when a person is with a group of people, and one looks at me...they're going to say stuff about me to the other people they're with, and then everyone will look at me. I have such a fear of that, it's crazy. I don't want to have that fear, but I do...

There's so much more to it, but I don't feel like typing it all out. I went on a website before about social phobia's...i went into the section that talks about social phobias, and what they are. In reading all the instances, I've found that I have social anxiety. I've never been so scared in my life. There's so much I want to do up here at school, but im terrified.

So, since I've read what was on the website, I've been asking around to people to see if they agree or disagree. Many agree.


I'm fucked.

How to get through your days: 101

I wish there was something like this around, because I'm not exactly sure how to get through my days anymore. I'm miserable beyond belief, and I deserve it. I just ate and all I want to do is throw up. I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking....I can't concentrate on anything.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know what people want me to do. I've left the island, I haven't contacted anyone....what more could I do? There isn't anything left for me to do. I've apologized numerous times, I don't expect to be forgiven, and I don't expect it to be ok. But I'm literally at a dead end.

I need help.

Let go?

How do you let go of something you don't want to let go of..or you're not ready to let go.....but you don't have a choice to?

I ran into a really big problem this weekend, that I thought would NEVER happen. I turned into literally a monster, and hurt someone that I love very much. There's no way to make up for it...no apology will help what I did, and how I acted. I was out of line, I know this. I know there's nothing I can do to make the situation better, at all. I feel like absolute shit...i deserve it, I know. I blame myself for my actions, not anyone else.

I thought if I drank more, the anger would go away..but no, it just got worse, and I should have cut myself off, but I didn't. So now, I'm without her and I've never felt so lonely before in my life. I feel sick to my stomach, and I can't eat. I tried eating a fucking pringle last night and almost puked. I do not have an excuse for my actions...because there isn't an excuse. The excuse of "I was drunk" doesn't work in this sense.

I ruined her...Karma's a bitch, and soon i'll get mine. This isn't something that will just "blow over" and I don't expect it to.

Krystal, I love you more than anything in this world. I know you don't believe me, and I don't expect you to. An apology will never make up for what I did. Nothing will ever make up for what I did. I can only hope that time will heal, and later on maybe a friendship, but that's very doubtful..and I know that. You are an amazing person, with so much going for you. Your goals in life are incredible. You've been through so much and still have more fight than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. I hope nothing but the best for you, because you do deserve the best. I hope that your future dreams, turn into a reality....I have nothing but faith in you. Don't ever change for anyone, because you don't need to...you are beyond perfect. I'm sorry for everything I've done and said during our time together. Sorry will never be enough for me to express how much I feel like shit. I deserve everything that I'm feeling right now, and have a ton of regret. Like I said, I can only hope for one day.
-Katie


I don't deserve to be alive.

Home away from Home.

Today I moved into my dorm at Oswego. Who knew that reality would smack me in the face during The Verve's Bitter Sweet Symphony? I sure thought it was gona hit me when I got here. Oof, I was wrong. The drive wasn't too bad...about 5 hours on the dot, just as I expected.

So, upon my arrival..I wanted to puke. State troopers directed traffic around campus, but I knew exactly where I was going. I hate not knowing where I'm going. ...I literally am a human map. Anywho...being that I live in an upperclassman dorm, there weren't that many transfer students moving in today..everyone else will be here on Sunday. So i pull up, get out of my car and start to walk to the entrance of my dorm, where I'm told I have to unpack my car, and go park it across the street. I explained to this dude that it was just me, and had no one to watch my stuff, of course he didn't care. So, I asked some lady to watch my stuff for me, and luckily she did.

It took me forever to move in and unpack completely. Not only was I completely emotional from being away from her and the rest of my life, I was frustrated because my room turned out to be a lot smaller than I thought it was. My fan didn't fit, so I had to go to wally world (i fucking hate that place!!) to buy a new freakin fan; which btdubbs sounds like a 747 about to land on the lawn in front of Onondoga. I had to turn a 50ft Cat5 cable around the room so I can have internet...apparently my thousands of dollars in tuition doesn't go to Wireless Internet in the dorm. Fantastic. I'd rather a direct connection anyway.

I left my monitor cable at home for my computer, so it's a good thing I brought my Mac! I'd die without a computer, I think. I mean..I have my phone, but that can only bring so much entertainment.  I like the way my room came out though..still feel like it's kinda bare.....but for a "dude" mind, I don't think I did half bad decorating!

My suitemate/RA, Jenna is really cool. We had our first heart to heart this afternoon. I hate opening up to people I don't know. But I am going to be living with her for the next year...she's gotta know shit about me. I told her about Nanny, and moving....that whole shabang. But most importantly I told her about her<3.  I know people are gona talk, it's college. So if there's talk, I want people to know that I'm off the market, and not looking for anyone. I've found who I wana be with, and I will be with her.

I think my obnoxious/inconsiderate neighbor has stopped blasting his stupid B.O.B. music. Yeah, I'm not kidding. I OBVIOUSLY have to show these people what music actually is.

God speed.

Hump day without the hump?!

Tonight is my self-planned going away shindig. it's not a party because I don't want it to be..so I'm calling it a shindig.
Sometimes, I really don't understand my dreams. Who dreams about small desks and munchkins? I do, apparently. Later on in the night, I thought I was dreaming about a lot of noise in my house. However, I was not dreaming..mother and the cat got into scraps at 3am. The cat won.
So my day started out like any other day, I wake up and facebook. What else is new? I got my ass up pretty quickly though. I had to clean out my trunk...the thing was stocked like a concession stand. I could have made mad dollas if I sold all the water, ice tea and other fine snacks outa that thing. It amazes me how much of a hoarder I can be at times. But in the end, I end up chucking it all anyway, so I cant be THAT bad...
I found my softball stuff from over a year ago, and acorn baseball was invented. But I got to thinking while I was smashing the shit out of those acorns...I needed to go visit Nanny and Grandpa one last time before I go.
Since both cemeteries are right down the road from each other, it's always easy to double dip and visit both. Nanny's buried in a catholic cemetery, and Grandpa's buried in the Vet cemetery near pinelawn. I need to google pinelawn, because apparently it's like the Ritz Carlton of cemeteries. Whatever.

I finished packing pretty much today, I packed more shirts than jeans, but I guess that's a given. I packed ALL of my sneakers..I can't just leave them all here! They all serve a specific purpose for christ sake!

Tomorrow should be interesting...just packing up the finishing touches, then packing the car up. Tomorrow's Alyssa's birthday and I'm SO excited because when I get home we can all finally party at different bars and not sit and be bored. I'm hoping I'm not gona be out too late tomorrow night..I have to be up SO early on Friday. I wanted to go see Sarah on my way up, but I'm just gona wana get to Ostate and sleep the rest of the night. Start to make my ramen noodles. WOOT! Ramens 101!

I know the weeks will go by quickly, so I can see your beautiful face :)  <3

Martes

So, I started packing yesterday...this whole Oswego thing still hasn't hit me yet. I don't think it'll hit me until after Labor Day when I know I won't see everyone until like Thanksgiving...but I can't do that..there's no way that I'll be able to stay that far away for that long.

But hopefully everyone will come up to see me, and I'll go to Cortland to see Sarah and Jen.

My love came over after work today, and it was yet again another amazing night. Lately we've been having such awesome conversations and really opening up to each other. I can't explain just how happy I am, but seeing a smile on my face all the time, and me blushing...i think sums it up. Our conversations have really brought us closer, I think. I can't wait to talk to her tomorrow, because right now she's sleeping. Hopefully I get to see her tomorrow before the crapplebees shindig, but she might have plans with her family in which I'll just have to see her Thursday for Alyssa's bday!

Figures that my last week is a rainy week, and it's going faster than normal. Oswego on Friday. SIGH. so nervous...

I miss you like crazy, and I haven't even left yet. But soon I will see you, and hold you. I can't wait for next weekend <3

A Saturday Night

Have you ever felt so much for someone, and since you're not with them, you both fight like crazy? I'm currently in that situation..at least that's what I think the problem is.. This girl has such a hold on me, that it's so hard to let go. I won't lie, I fucked up in the beginning..I know this. I'm sorry, there is no other way for me to explain how sorry I am. But actions speak louder than words, and I've literally been trying to prove all summer to her that I want to be with her.
These actions have done absolutely nothing...and there's nothing more I can do. But when we're not together, we just nonstop argue over stupid things. We blame each other for everything. It shouldn't be like that. When we're together, It's like nothing ever happened, and we just focus on each other. There is literally no one else I'd rather spend my free time with, then her.
This isn't a post to explain my feelings for her, because I've explained my feelings way too many times. This post is to tell you, that no matter how much we fight, and how much we curse at each other and say stupid shit...I still care about you and think so highly of you.

So maybe the reason why we fight is that we're not together, maybe it's not. Whatever the reason may be, I know that the next time we see each other, we'll be holding each other and laughing over stupid shit.

You're my favorite.